"As You Like Me" By Chris Lewis

When I first created my blog I vowed to myself that I wouldn't make it too personal. I wanted to steer clear of writing about my life, because, if there's one thing I know, my life isn't incredibly interesting. Being the narcissistic person I am I could rattle on for ages about myself, the trouble is that no-one would want to listen. However I thought I'd take a break from writing about the wider world and talk about me for a while...try not to doze off.

As the author of a blog that has been running for a year and a half I am disappointed with the level of celebrity I have amassed. By this time I was expecting to be the most famous person in the world, yet somehow that fame has eluded me.

Be that as it may my blog is slowly gaining momentum. Last week, for example, I was asked (commissioned, if you will) to help write a blog about the current school play. The play is Shakespeare's "As You Like It." As a great admirer of Shakespeare's work I was very pleased to be both performing in the play and writing the blog for the school website.

The selection process for the cast was an odd one. There were no auditions whatsoever; the cast were merely chosen by Head of Drama Mr Aldred based on previous school plays. As an Olivier in the making I was one of the lucky few to be chosen.

The list of characters was posted a few weeks later. The group flocked around to see which character they would be playing. I was feeling rather hopeful as the week before I had been told by more than one person that I would be perfectly suited to the main role (Orlando).

I looked down the list for my name.

Chris Lewis.....Corin.

My heart sank. I was not the main character like I had hoped. I wasn't even one of the main few. No, I was given the role of Corin, the old shepherd. Looking through the script I saw that I only had four lines in the entire play.

The rehearsals began. While the other actors and actresses got their bit on the main stage I was stuck in the background...as a tree. Over five years of drama at the school and they make me a tree. I am forced to stand there with my back turned to the audience and my arms out in stupid positions while the real actors deliver their lines. This is not good enough.

The worst part is we are touring this production. I have to go to many different locations and act as a tree in front of several different audiences. Will they remember the tree in the background? Will they go home and tell all their friends and family how good tree #4 was? No!

Maybe if Mr Aldred actually could remember my name it would make the whole ordeal more bearable. But alas, he cannot. My name is neither Joe, nor is it Philip. My name is Chris, and I play a tree.

Not to seem to pessimistic I will leave you with something funny. There is a character is "As You Like It" called Hymen. If you want to see what the character looks like just search it on google images.

Rapture Update

Just a quick message to say I'm sorry for not writing a blog post in a while.

After the post I wrote on the apocalypse I decided to spend all my time preparing for the worst. All my fears were realized when Harold Camping (an entirely truthful) Baptist leader predicted the rapture.

To add insult to injury (and by injury I mean certain death) the "rapture" was supposed to occur on the 21st of May 2011 which was my 16th birthday. I thought that I would never get to experience the finer things in life that people aged 16 can do: Buy a lottery ticket, put petrol in a car or even have an abortion. 

I think I may have missed one out there.

The day arrived. I woke up to find out that Australia had not been consumed by the sea like predicted, but maybe Camping confused the Kangaroo fighting drunks with Atlantis.

The predicted time that the UK would be hit was 6 pm. This is because God respects time zones. I waited with bated breath, watching the hands tick round on my Disney Princess wristwatch.

6 o'clock arrived...Nothing

After that major let down it made the performance of "Wind in the Willows" I went to see that night seem a bit more bearable. But even below-par acting feels like Broadway when you're thankful for your life.

I'll leave you with a morbid thought. It is ironic but some people will have actually died at exactly 6 pm on May 21st. Just liked predicted there lives would have been over by the time the sixth bell chimed. Maybe that means that Camping wasn't completely wrong, just very very wrong. The fact is he got his dates wrong and we're all going to die in October. How jolly

Apocalypse and all that

Hello again, this is my first post since the dawning of the new year and I want to find out more about what will happen over the rest of the decade.

Maybe it will be a whole new start for the human race. Economic growth followed by a massive reduction in poverty. All the governments will begin to cooperate and world peace will be achieved leading to increased trade and development of new technology making the whole world much better. What a good decade it would prove. But then I remembered that the world is going to end in 2012 and my hopes of a perfect society will be cut short. Here is what Ben Parker has to say on the demise of our planet.

"2011
-Pakistan's government falls and every middle eastern nation will have nukes
-preemptive nuclear war leaves 1/2 the world's population dead and the remaining population is turned into brain eating zombies.
-a legend will emerge and save the human race


2012
-the legend gets killed by a mutant zombie
-h1n1 and HIV merge with zombieism creating the most dangerous disease in the history of the planet
-Mayan prophecy holds true and we all die..."

After that optimistic outlook on the next two years there from Ben. With this in mind I will need to prepare for the apocalypse. I found this helpful infomercial from the "Australian Board of Civil Defence."



So after that I feel ready to be one of the survivors and will hopefully see the rest of the decade through. Anyway the government will probably keep me safe in their underground refuge because my brilliant mind will be of great benefit to the human race.

Unfortunately most people won't survive so you'll probably want to get prepared for impeding doom. Here is a list which of all the things you should do before you die to help you along.

1. Adopt a panda and call him Cecil
2. Create a string of comedy movies with Cecil and achieve international stardom
3. Experiment with hallucinogens
4. Let Cecil experiment with hallucinogens
5. Begin to make and distribute your own hallucinogens
6. Get sent to jail for narcotics dealing and animal cruelty
7. Start the first ever inmate barbershop quartet with three fellow criminals
8. Earn a UK number 1 for an acapella version of Van Halen's "Jump"
9. Go mad with power and develop your own religion
10. Convince Tom Cruise to join your religion to up its profile
11. Die during the apocalypse in Tom Cruise's arms

So with your survival guide and your list of things to do before you die you are now well equipped for the years to come.

Happy new year!