"As You Like Me" By Chris Lewis

When I first created my blog I vowed to myself that I wouldn't make it too personal. I wanted to steer clear of writing about my life, because, if there's one thing I know, my life isn't incredibly interesting. Being the narcissistic person I am I could rattle on for ages about myself, the trouble is that no-one would want to listen. However I thought I'd take a break from writing about the wider world and talk about me for a while...try not to doze off.

As the author of a blog that has been running for a year and a half I am disappointed with the level of celebrity I have amassed. By this time I was expecting to be the most famous person in the world, yet somehow that fame has eluded me.

Be that as it may my blog is slowly gaining momentum. Last week, for example, I was asked (commissioned, if you will) to help write a blog about the current school play. The play is Shakespeare's "As You Like It." As a great admirer of Shakespeare's work I was very pleased to be both performing in the play and writing the blog for the school website.

The selection process for the cast was an odd one. There were no auditions whatsoever; the cast were merely chosen by Head of Drama Mr Aldred based on previous school plays. As an Olivier in the making I was one of the lucky few to be chosen.

The list of characters was posted a few weeks later. The group flocked around to see which character they would be playing. I was feeling rather hopeful as the week before I had been told by more than one person that I would be perfectly suited to the main role (Orlando).

I looked down the list for my name.

Chris Lewis.....Corin.

My heart sank. I was not the main character like I had hoped. I wasn't even one of the main few. No, I was given the role of Corin, the old shepherd. Looking through the script I saw that I only had four lines in the entire play.

The rehearsals began. While the other actors and actresses got their bit on the main stage I was stuck in the background...as a tree. Over five years of drama at the school and they make me a tree. I am forced to stand there with my back turned to the audience and my arms out in stupid positions while the real actors deliver their lines. This is not good enough.

The worst part is we are touring this production. I have to go to many different locations and act as a tree in front of several different audiences. Will they remember the tree in the background? Will they go home and tell all their friends and family how good tree #4 was? No!

Maybe if Mr Aldred actually could remember my name it would make the whole ordeal more bearable. But alas, he cannot. My name is neither Joe, nor is it Philip. My name is Chris, and I play a tree.

Not to seem to pessimistic I will leave you with something funny. There is a character is "As You Like It" called Hymen. If you want to see what the character looks like just search it on google images.

Rapture Update

Just a quick message to say I'm sorry for not writing a blog post in a while.

After the post I wrote on the apocalypse I decided to spend all my time preparing for the worst. All my fears were realized when Harold Camping (an entirely truthful) Baptist leader predicted the rapture.

To add insult to injury (and by injury I mean certain death) the "rapture" was supposed to occur on the 21st of May 2011 which was my 16th birthday. I thought that I would never get to experience the finer things in life that people aged 16 can do: Buy a lottery ticket, put petrol in a car or even have an abortion. 

I think I may have missed one out there.

The day arrived. I woke up to find out that Australia had not been consumed by the sea like predicted, but maybe Camping confused the Kangaroo fighting drunks with Atlantis.

The predicted time that the UK would be hit was 6 pm. This is because God respects time zones. I waited with bated breath, watching the hands tick round on my Disney Princess wristwatch.

6 o'clock arrived...Nothing

After that major let down it made the performance of "Wind in the Willows" I went to see that night seem a bit more bearable. But even below-par acting feels like Broadway when you're thankful for your life.

I'll leave you with a morbid thought. It is ironic but some people will have actually died at exactly 6 pm on May 21st. Just liked predicted there lives would have been over by the time the sixth bell chimed. Maybe that means that Camping wasn't completely wrong, just very very wrong. The fact is he got his dates wrong and we're all going to die in October. How jolly

Apocalypse and all that

Hello again, this is my first post since the dawning of the new year and I want to find out more about what will happen over the rest of the decade.

Maybe it will be a whole new start for the human race. Economic growth followed by a massive reduction in poverty. All the governments will begin to cooperate and world peace will be achieved leading to increased trade and development of new technology making the whole world much better. What a good decade it would prove. But then I remembered that the world is going to end in 2012 and my hopes of a perfect society will be cut short. Here is what Ben Parker has to say on the demise of our planet.

"2011
-Pakistan's government falls and every middle eastern nation will have nukes
-preemptive nuclear war leaves 1/2 the world's population dead and the remaining population is turned into brain eating zombies.
-a legend will emerge and save the human race


2012
-the legend gets killed by a mutant zombie
-h1n1 and HIV merge with zombieism creating the most dangerous disease in the history of the planet
-Mayan prophecy holds true and we all die..."

After that optimistic outlook on the next two years there from Ben. With this in mind I will need to prepare for the apocalypse. I found this helpful infomercial from the "Australian Board of Civil Defence."



So after that I feel ready to be one of the survivors and will hopefully see the rest of the decade through. Anyway the government will probably keep me safe in their underground refuge because my brilliant mind will be of great benefit to the human race.

Unfortunately most people won't survive so you'll probably want to get prepared for impeding doom. Here is a list which of all the things you should do before you die to help you along.

1. Adopt a panda and call him Cecil
2. Create a string of comedy movies with Cecil and achieve international stardom
3. Experiment with hallucinogens
4. Let Cecil experiment with hallucinogens
5. Begin to make and distribute your own hallucinogens
6. Get sent to jail for narcotics dealing and animal cruelty
7. Start the first ever inmate barbershop quartet with three fellow criminals
8. Earn a UK number 1 for an acapella version of Van Halen's "Jump"
9. Go mad with power and develop your own religion
10. Convince Tom Cruise to join your religion to up its profile
11. Die during the apocalypse in Tom Cruise's arms

So with your survival guide and your list of things to do before you die you are now well equipped for the years to come.

Happy new year!

Christmas Time - Mistletoe and Crying

Christmas time is upon us, and what a glorious time it is.
Sitting by the fire with close family sharing gifts and stories of the year before; still full from the Christmas turkey but passing around the After Eights anyway; and taking time to wind down from the preceding year if only for a few days.
I love Christmas, it's a wonderful time of year, and yet I still find that all of it annoys me incessantly.

Christmas comes but once a year on the 25th of December. Or should I say the 1st of September onwards. Yes you may have realised that I am talking about Christmas seeming to get earlier each year. John Lewis put out their Christmas range in late September to early October; thus fueling the disgusting consumerist society that we live in. Honestly I'm not really thinking about the winter festivities the moment I start a new year of school and I don't want John Lewis reminding me with some up-side down Christmas tree. I saw one of these monstrosities the other year and thought to myself (after cringing), who is going to buy one of those. In my opinion the up-side down Christmas tree is a perfect metaphor for everything that is wrong in the world today.

I guess that it is just a sign of the age we live in. Buying tat seems to be all the average person does at Christmas. Whether it is a pair of snowflake embroidered socks for the forgotten Uncle or the stocking that plays Christmas songs when squeezed. Maybe it would be better if we remembered the real point of Christmas.
"Is it the baby Jesus"

Of course not, Jesus was born in September, 7 BC. So why celebrate his birth on the 25th of December. It just another one of man's many quirks that make everything seem so aggravating.


So here's my foolproof plan. This year I am going to celebrate Christmas in according to the Pagan tradition that it was modeled on.

Firstly mistletoe comes from an ancient druid custom. It was considered a divine plant that symbolised love and peace. So the mistletoe can stay as part of my Pagan Christmas.
Secondly Yuletide was the festival of the returning sun. In Yule tide the yule log or Christmas tree was burned for 12 days. Hence the 12 days of Christmas. So the tree has to be burned this year, no ornaments, tinsel or lights for me. This tree was considered a tribute to the almighty "Baldor" who is to be worship during my Pagan Christmas.
Gifts were given but most were small tokens of good luck called "Lucky fruits" so I don't intend to send any gifts this year. Especially not to you.
So all I have left to do if buy a brown cloak and go searching for some lay lines with my lucky rabbit's foot.


So I'll leave you with this message and wish you a happy winter solstice


"We are one with the infinite sun
For ever and ever and ever,
We are one with the infinite sun
For ever and ever and ever,

Kee a wah tay, lenya lenya, ma ho tay
Hi ah no, hi ah no, hi ah no
Kee a wah te, lenya lenya, ma ho tay
Hi ah no, hi ah no, hi ah no. "

The Social society

After a long break my long awaited blog is back and I thought I'd write about social networking and the like.

While writing this blog I am also on Facebook, Formspring and Spotify. I think I should ask myself why?


1. I am in no way popular, very few people actually care about what I say

2. I never get many notifications on Facebook or questions on Formspring

3. I hate all these things and find them incredibly depressing


Then it hit me "I am an addict"

Ironically there is very little on the Internet that is any good about this subject so I guess I'll have to write it straight from the heart.

Facebook is such an annoying site; it relies on me actually caring what other people have to say and I really don't. Yet I still constantly check everyone's updates just to see what's going on in everyone elses depressing lives when I could be doing something useful.

Formspring is even worse. When I got it I expected horrible messages written about me but I log on to find that I have no questions. I probably would prefer the attention even if it was abuse.

At least other people seem to be getting questions, but here's an example of the kind of question. Just random letters. Technically it's not even a question. Honestly I have waited since I got Formspring for something vaguely interesting to happen but so far no luck.

At least Spotify will get me through; I can listen to all the music I want, whenever I want to. But then an advert pops up and I hear something about "Berrocca Boost" or "Vodaphone free-bees." If I wanted to listen to rubbish adverts like these I would listen to local radio (which I try to avoid as much as possible.)

But having said this I am still on Facebook, Formspring and Spotify; just waiting for my sad, pathetic existence to erupt into something brilliant (which I strongly doubt will happen.)
To be honest I am a complete hypocrite because I am writing a blog about the "joys" of social networking on a blogging site.

I may even publish this on Facebook!

Fairytale weddings-A womans dream, a mans nightmare

Ah Yahoo answers, how I love you so. You are the source of all knowledge, past, present and future. You are like Stephen Fry without being a large, annoying homosexual with Manic depression.

I was on Yahoo answers doing some research on weddings for the blog and I found this gem.

"My sister is getting married this summer and every word out of her mouth is about the wedding, it's annoying and her "day" is going to cost my father a fortune. I feel bad for my future brother in law if he has to deal with this seemingly materialistic woman. Who cares about a wedding, it's just an over hyped and unnecessarily expensive party.

Why do you need a photo album of a day of drinking in tuxedos and dresses to prove you are in love? I know I know, some of these girls want to be like a princess in some fairytale but that's not real life and it's irresponsible and delusional in my opinion. I'm supposed to be a groomsman in the wedding, I'm going to give a ridiculous speech at the wedding just to get her back for annoying me at dinner for the past six months. I'm 16 and even though she's 23 and finished with college she still lives at home, so this guy is doing me a huge favor getting her out of my life for the next two years till i get to leave home myself.

I think I will mention in my speech how grateful I am that he is taking her out of my life so I don't have to deal with her boring wedding talk anymore."

Despite the fact that this kid has some serious issues and sounds like a whinier version of the average 80 year old geriatric he has a point. And that is why do women obsess over their perfect dream wedding when it is just a ceremony, kind of like a funeral. (Apart from it doesn't revolve around some 80 year old Geriatric who won't be whining anytime soon.) I mean seriously, are weddings that important? Surely it's the little things that define a marriage. The way you make your partners tea. The way you compromise over the TV choices. So on and so forth.

But I'm a man, of course I would think that. What do women think then?

Suprisingly Heather Mailer (who is a woman,) agrees with me. That's a refreshing thought, a female that doesn't obsess over her "perfect day." But most aren't like this.

To find out I decided to consult my great friend yahoo answers but I found nothing mre on the subject. How strange.

Anyway I think that the Womans need for a massive wedding boils down to three things.

1.Firstly women are jealous of each other, they want a perfect wedding because their best friends wedding was beautiful so there wedding must be better.

2.Secondly women see the wedding as a sign of things to come so it has to be right for the marriage to be right.

3.Thirdly and most importantly women are like crows (In the nicest possible way.) They like shiny things. Diamond rings, pristine wedding cars and sparkly shoes. They find the symbolism importnat whereas men just don't care. We'd rather just watch the TV and sleep.

To all the men out there, don't worry about your wedding. Sure it may cost a fortune but it's worth it for all the joy that marriage brings. (Apart from the constant nagging, and arguments, and your wife being a complete control freak, and the fact that if she doesn't divorce you and take half of your money you'll become so tired of her that you don't know wether to love her or smother her.) Oh well, deal with it.

Black humour

I was in an ICT lesson the other day and Chris Gemmell typed in "Funniest joke ever" into the almighty deity that is google. (That still doesn't recognise my blog as existing,) and in the midst of all the pages about Clement Freud was a forum on the telegraph website. "What do you think is the funniest joke ever." The first post was
"Why did the little girl drop her lollipop.....


Because she got hit by a bus"
And this got me thinking, what is it about black humour that makes it funny even though it is so distasteful.

In 1940 the French Surrealist André Breton published Anthologie de l’humour noir (or his anthology of Black humour) This is when the term originates from. At the end of the day I don't know why people like black humour but I like it so here are some Frankie Boyle jokes to leave you with.

"Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!"

"Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!"

Watching the Saddam Hussein hanging video made me realise their is probably nothing on the internet I would not masturbate to.

"Viagra takes half an hour to have any effect. I often find by that time the woman has managed to wriggle free!"

Vegetarianism-what's up with that

Dictionary.com defines vegetarianism as "the theory or practice of living on adiet made up of vegetables, fruits, grains, nuts, and sometimes animal products (as milk and cheese)" But come on, everyone knows that vegetarianism is simply not eating meat. Not eating the juicy succulant flesh of dead animals. And to all the vegetarians out there I say, why? Meat is good, it tastes nice and it keeps your diet balanced. Just throw down your quams about "Killing defensless furry cute animals." and grow a pair.

Man was made to eat meat, look at our teeth for instance, made specifically for eating those cute furry animals. As an aetheist I don't normally side with the Christians but, God made us that way for a reason. Or evolution developed us to be that way, your choice. But the point is that our bodies were built to eat the meat, and do you know something else; there are tonnes and tonnes of furry little animals roaming the earth that are there waiting for us to devour them.

I don't have anything against vegetarians. (Well not much,) but I don't understand what the problem with eating meat is. So here's something for all you vegetarians to think about. If one of you came round my house for dinner I would cook something veggie. A nice salad filled with lemon zest, pasta, seeds and aubergine. That's because I consider myself to be a nice host. But if I were to come round your house for dinner. Would you cook me meat. A nice steak or pork chop. No you wouldn't. So here's my opinion. Carry on being vegetarian but when one of your meat eater friends comes round; cook them a rack of lamb.

Celebrity-The annoying obsession

Here is another thing that really annoys me. Celebrity. If you look in one of these magazines all you see is tat like how Angelina Jolie has adopted another little African boy or how Wayne Bridge has refused to shake John Terry's hand because he slept with Bridge' wife. Oh and guess what! Lady Gaga is releasing a new single that's going to be "Awesome." Give me a break. The only thing awesome about Gaga is that she still has a fan base after recording all the tripe that somehow gets into the charts despite being entirely synth, auto tune and strange lyrics that are mainly sexual innuendo. No Gaga, I don't care how sick the beat is, do you actually want to take a ride on my disco stick.

It's this whole celebrity culture that has made the world how it is today. And it upsets me. Mainly because celebrities seem to think they are so much better than us ordinary people. Just because they can sing a bit, or kick a ball about, or speak dialogue into a camera. What actually makes them think that they deserve to be where they are today? Mega rich, spoiled egos that stroll around in their mansions, their only worries are centred around what to wear in front of the paparazzi or when there next pay check is going to get to them. I don't blame the paparazzi for taking endless photos or these people because at least they're actually working hard to earn a living and giving the celebrities that annoy us all something to get upset about. "Oh, why must they keep taking photos of me. My life is awful." Sure your life if awful. At least you've got a house and clothes and a flash car when there are starving children in Africa that are dying while their parents die of aids at the same time. And should I tell you something celebrities. They've probably never heard of you.

Ok admittedly I'm not professing to be some kind of saint. I don't give all my money to charity and spend my time campaigning for freedom and liberty. But I don't pretend that I'm all that bothered with that stuff. I admit that I'm selfish and that I take granted for the things I have but celebrities all seem to think that they are God's gift to humanity.

This video shows that exactly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO4Yftc1bMY

Well done Paxman for putting people in there place. Sting is no environmentalist. He just wants to get some good publicity so he can plug his new album and look selfless and righteous. This really annoys me. Admittedly Paxman is a celebrity and I'm not having a go at him. Paxman thinks he's better than all of us, but lets face it, he is better than us. He is pompus but he is admirable at the same time and in my opinion every celebrity should be a bit more like Jeremy Paxman.

So there it is, celebrity and why it annoys me. If you enjoyed this post then please follow my blog.

Hi, I'm Chris Lewis

Today for the first time I am blogging. This all started today in German class in school when Aaron says,
"Lets both make a blog and see who can get the most subscribers."
So here I am, writing a blog for the first time without a clue of what to write that anyone would find interesting. Having never actually been on a blog before now I have no idea what they should be about and typing in "How to write a blog" on google doesn't seem to help all that much.

That's the thing, my life's pretty boring. I go to school, do my lessons and get home where I go on facebook, do homework and watch the tv. And at the weekends I just kill time. Sure, I've got mates but I'm not the most sociable person you'll ever meet. I go out with friends occasionally but I'm not one of those people who is constantly chatting to friends on some social networking site or by texting constantly to mates, then texting again to make sure they got the text, then phoning to make sure they got that, then Facebooking them to make sure they got the message that I left on their answering machine. I'm not like that, I'm happy keeping myself company. And anyway, those kind of people annoy me.


But just as I was writing that last paragraph it hit me. What am I good at doing, ranting. So that's what my blog is mainly going to be about. Things that annoy me, things that really get on my nerves. And you never know, maybe I'll write about something I'm actually interested in once in a while. But until I can think of something, ranting it is.